I have nothing to say to you.

I am seriously wondering what wrong triggered you to doing something like this. I cant believe you're so reckless and mean. What make you do stuff like that. why do you wanna target my friends? why cant you just let them off? whats wrong with you? why. why'd wanna be so unreasonable.

I CANT KEEP ALL THESE TO MYSELF!

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. I know you guys cannot help but to be intimate cause you're a couple. But have you guys ever considered my feelings? You guys have seemed to have forgotten that I've just gotten a breakup, and if you guys are really my friends, you would know that i have not gotten over andrew. I have not. But do any of you guys have a long enough attention span to put on me? Its like you guys are all living in your own worlds, and its always about boyfriends here and there. We are best friends, whatever happened to that? My house is used as an excuse when you want to meet him. You think i cant see your blatant excuse when you tell me its the nearest? Yea, sure. My place is the nearest place for you guys to meet. THERE IS SUCH A PLACE CALLED BUGIS. god. I dont even know why am i flaring up now. Im just so sick and tired, of being there when you guys have nobody. Whenever there are programs, you can just fly home, in a CAB just because you were late meeting him. ITS BLOODY JURONG. its freaking inevitable that you'll be late. I sense your sympathy for me when i just broke up and all. But wherever did it go? Have you guys simply believe my cheerful face and full of laughter and think i'm seriously fine? This is the FIRST time i've ever kissed a guy after having close to a dozen ex boyfriends. Does any of that mean anything to you? All you guys can tell me is to get over him and live, saying that he is not a good person. YES I KNOW. yada yada, sure i join into the complains. But have you guys ever thought of me? THAT SOMETIMES IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU GUYS ARE JUST SITTING THERE SCOLDING MY EX-BOYFRIEND WHICH I HAVE APPARENTLY NOT GOTTEN OVER?

no. you guys know nothing. I cant tell you this straight. I know i cant. It will just mark a fullstop in our friendship. Cant you see i'm already trying to exclude myself from outings? Because i know boyfriends will always come along. Whatever happened to me?

I have to keep all this shit inside, because i dont know who i can tell to, and who that will not give me the same remarks or their own personal opinion. because I have enough, and i mean ENOUGH of personal opinions. ITS MY LIFE. I KNOW ITS SCREWED. STOP PUSHING OTHER GUYS INTO MY LIFE.

I cannot help, but to throw myself into despair and let my self esteem and confidence fall till its beyond sight. But sometimes, i just wonder if i'm ever good enough? To be brought out. To be shown of proudly to the world that i'm yours. It must have been a real shame, huh. To see your friends and you have to be with me at that time. I've always given you the privacy. I dont listen in. I put on my ipod and pretend i barely know you. I dont know what i've done wrong! i know alson told me not to think of all these and to treasure the memories instead. BUT I WANT MORE. there was so little memories. Yet i hold onto them so much. Because i really believed that if i tried to make it happen, it can work. The relationship can work.

you were the only person that made everything feel right. though you had not much time for me. I believe that there is another side to you, another side apart from the stupid ah-beng front you put up. Or, you've just simply told me the truth and you played with me. But if you do, why do you still show concern whenever i drink? I dont need sympathy, and i'm not doing anything to arouse your guilt, no. You wanna know why i drink? Because i want your attention. I want your care. and now i know i can get it, why not get drunk again? You just wait. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU FACE TO FACE. There are questions that i want to know that you simply refused to answer.

And whats worse. my friend of four years starts to have a crush on me. I mean, COMEON. I have known you for four years! like, why would you suddenly like me? I have not turned suddenly pretty overnight. No i didnt. Instead i grew fatter, like omg. I dont want to spoil the friendship, i really dont. You are a really cool person and i wanna continuing singing with you without feeling awkward.

Mum cant find time to fit me into her life. And I apparently cant find time to fit her into my life too.

Dad is freaking out cause i'm losing my temper often. Which is due to all the shit i'm thinking of and bothering me.

O levels is in 50+ days. I'm not studying. Im screwing up my life because i want someone to come and pick me up. From all this mess. and me.

can someone save me from me?

confusion.screw.friendship.

crappy. im confused. like seriously. i know like shuyi said, its the girls themselves that gives false hope to themselves, and well, im becoming one of that. 

i dont wanna be. insecure and dumbbbbb.

Irritation 

i cannot take anymore, i seriously just cannot focus myself into studying. shit. its not like i dont want, and hate. but i seriously just CANNOT stop slacking. everyday i slack, wanna go shopping, wanna eat good food, just think of all the ways to spend money.

nabei, i cannot understand why im so spendthrift. its so irritating to think of where all the money is gonna come from. scary can, imagine next time go work, have to have so many responsibilities. rawr, why cant money just drop from the sky :(

imagine the person knows that you like him, and replies your texts all the time. HOW in the world can he just FORGET his phone in his toilet? and how is it POSSIBLE to NOT GET USED to checking his phone frequently? im so friggin irritated! like seriously, i wanna go out with him also need to keep asking, asking and ASKING! it seems as if im some charity case which he feels like spending his free time on, whenever he likes.

I dont wanna sound all needy and all, but seriously, i just wanna have a proper outing with him before school re-open! :(

i should totally rant about weixiong too. I made it clear to him that i dont want to have anything to do with him already, but since i told sylvia, i think i should totally expect her to tell him. BUT NOOOO. I NEVER. wtf. I TOLD HER NOT TO SAY. and there she went, to tell him that im SAD. of all words, SAD! what in the world? it seems as if im desperate. fuckcheebyenabeiknn! noooooooo. fuck it. i DONT WANT your pity, LEE WEIXIONG. i dont give a fuck if you care about me or not. just go back to your precious SERAPHINA LO. 

and dear Evelyn, i dont see why youhave to be so desperate to copy people. We put eyeliner, you also put, we wear high waist skirt, you also wanna wear, we learn cycling, you also wanna go? our forfeit for not learning is to sponser ice-cream, and you also do the same? seriously, can you have some originality? noooo, you dont seem to have. 

whatever, screw life. _|_

Occurrences

Does it ever occur to you, seraphina lo, that things occur for  reason? you act as if you own him, if not for the fact that i ditched him, you think you can give me dirty looks now and act as if i am stealing your boy?

dont worry babe, im no longer interested in him, not now, not ever. its just a pity to see a friendship of 3-4(?) years go down to waste. i guess i pity you for thinking that i hate you? 

this stupid misunderstandings occur, cause you think toooo much. WAY TOO MUCH. so, screw off lah.

i forgot.

your message reminded me today. 

"i'm just your friend la."

i get it now. we'll be friends.

i give up waiting, i know the answer already.

Tomorrow is chinese O levels.

i dont know to remain calm or not? 

im keeping my composure, but whatever is gonna happen when i face the paper tomorrow? im pretty freaked out inside, but i dont know how am i ever gonna push past my limits.

i know shuyi, you will be reading this. but i still must express my doubts about you and Libing.

I know, and can see clearly that you are seriously falling for him, and since he likes you too, you guys might wanna go deeper. however, have you considered about alex, and how you guys are gonna end it? 

i told you love is not all that takes to maintain a relationship, but have you told me, alex loves you. i guess he just doesnt respect you enough as he just treats you the way he does as and when he likes and that is seriously hurting, as i see you cry so often.

i dont know how are you gonna take things from here, but i dont think you can just let go of alex like that. remember, you told me you gave him your virginity. how are you gonna let go of that? i dont believe your love for alex can just vanish like that. you guys have 7 months of memories, do you think you can just wipe them all away?

i feel that you are attracted to Libing for also another reason ; because he is able to give you the attention and love that you crave. because all these are lacking in alex, you know that libing can be someone who can give you whatever you want.

i dont know what else to say, i guess i'll just stop talking about you now.

Weixiong met up with me last night. i finally know why sera doesnt like me. she is jealous.

i cant believe it. seriously. she has weixiong all to herself already, what more does she want? i seriously dont get it, why? i mean, weixiong told me, he sees me at the bus stop in the morning and all, but he doesnt dare to call out to me as he is scared that sera will be pissed off. 

wtf? its like totally no point for her to be pissed off? he is just my ex, you have him now, what more you want? i just want him back as my friend, thats all. 

but well, since you, sera, have the say now, i guess i dont think i can be friends with weixiong, at least not now. not when he is friggin interested in you, and it seems to me that you are interested in him too ; you wont be jealous if you are not. but i just dont get the fact that he says he knows you guys cant get together.

i wonder if you are just waiting for him to pop the question. i really dont hate you, sera, but i just dont get why you shoot me dirty looks all the time. thus im now spiting you all the time, by calling you witch and all. 

but seriously, i dont hate/dislike sera. just the way she looks at me only.