I have nothing to say to you.

I am seriously wondering what wrong triggered you to doing something like this. I cant believe you're so reckless and mean. What make you do stuff like that. why do you wanna target my friends? why cant you just let them off? whats wrong with you? why. why'd wanna be so unreasonable.

I CANT KEEP ALL THESE TO MYSELF!

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. I know you guys cannot help but to be intimate cause you're a couple. But have you guys ever considered my feelings? You guys have seemed to have forgotten that I've just gotten a breakup, and if you guys are really my friends, you would know that i have not gotten over andrew. I have not. But do any of you guys have a long enough attention span to put on me? Its like you guys are all living in your own worlds, and its always about boyfriends here and there. We are best friends, whatever happened to that? My house is used as an excuse when you want to meet him. You think i cant see your blatant excuse when you tell me its the nearest? Yea, sure. My place is the nearest place for you guys to meet. THERE IS SUCH A PLACE CALLED BUGIS. god. I dont even know why am i flaring up now. Im just so sick and tired, of being there when you guys have nobody. Whenever there are programs, you can just fly home, in a CAB just because you were late meeting him. ITS BLOODY JURONG. its freaking inevitable that you'll be late. I sense your sympathy for me when i just broke up and all. But wherever did it go? Have you guys simply believe my cheerful face and full of laughter and think i'm seriously fine? This is the FIRST time i've ever kissed a guy after having close to a dozen ex boyfriends. Does any of that mean anything to you? All you guys can tell me is to get over him and live, saying that he is not a good person. YES I KNOW. yada yada, sure i join into the complains. But have you guys ever thought of me? THAT SOMETIMES IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU GUYS ARE JUST SITTING THERE SCOLDING MY EX-BOYFRIEND WHICH I HAVE APPARENTLY NOT GOTTEN OVER?

no. you guys know nothing. I cant tell you this straight. I know i cant. It will just mark a fullstop in our friendship. Cant you see i'm already trying to exclude myself from outings? Because i know boyfriends will always come along. Whatever happened to me?

I have to keep all this shit inside, because i dont know who i can tell to, and who that will not give me the same remarks or their own personal opinion. because I have enough, and i mean ENOUGH of personal opinions. ITS MY LIFE. I KNOW ITS SCREWED. STOP PUSHING OTHER GUYS INTO MY LIFE.

I cannot help, but to throw myself into despair and let my self esteem and confidence fall till its beyond sight. But sometimes, i just wonder if i'm ever good enough? To be brought out. To be shown of proudly to the world that i'm yours. It must have been a real shame, huh. To see your friends and you have to be with me at that time. I've always given you the privacy. I dont listen in. I put on my ipod and pretend i barely know you. I dont know what i've done wrong! i know alson told me not to think of all these and to treasure the memories instead. BUT I WANT MORE. there was so little memories. Yet i hold onto them so much. Because i really believed that if i tried to make it happen, it can work. The relationship can work.

you were the only person that made everything feel right. though you had not much time for me. I believe that there is another side to you, another side apart from the stupid ah-beng front you put up. Or, you've just simply told me the truth and you played with me. But if you do, why do you still show concern whenever i drink? I dont need sympathy, and i'm not doing anything to arouse your guilt, no. You wanna know why i drink? Because i want your attention. I want your care. and now i know i can get it, why not get drunk again? You just wait. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU FACE TO FACE. There are questions that i want to know that you simply refused to answer.

And whats worse. my friend of four years starts to have a crush on me. I mean, COMEON. I have known you for four years! like, why would you suddenly like me? I have not turned suddenly pretty overnight. No i didnt. Instead i grew fatter, like omg. I dont want to spoil the friendship, i really dont. You are a really cool person and i wanna continuing singing with you without feeling awkward.

Mum cant find time to fit me into her life. And I apparently cant find time to fit her into my life too.

Dad is freaking out cause i'm losing my temper often. Which is due to all the shit i'm thinking of and bothering me.

O levels is in 50+ days. I'm not studying. Im screwing up my life because i want someone to come and pick me up. From all this mess. and me.

can someone save me from me?

confusion.screw.friendship.

crappy. im confused. like seriously. i know like shuyi said, its the girls themselves that gives false hope to themselves, and well, im becoming one of that. 

i dont wanna be. insecure and dumbbbbb.

Irritation 

i cannot take anymore, i seriously just cannot focus myself into studying. shit. its not like i dont want, and hate. but i seriously just CANNOT stop slacking. everyday i slack, wanna go shopping, wanna eat good food, just think of all the ways to spend money.

nabei, i cannot understand why im so spendthrift. its so irritating to think of where all the money is gonna come from. scary can, imagine next time go work, have to have so many responsibilities. rawr, why cant money just drop from the sky :(

imagine the person knows that you like him, and replies your texts all the time. HOW in the world can he just FORGET his phone in his toilet? and how is it POSSIBLE to NOT GET USED to checking his phone frequently? im so friggin irritated! like seriously, i wanna go out with him also need to keep asking, asking and ASKING! it seems as if im some charity case which he feels like spending his free time on, whenever he likes.

I dont wanna sound all needy and all, but seriously, i just wanna have a proper outing with him before school re-open! :(

i should totally rant about weixiong too. I made it clear to him that i dont want to have anything to do with him already, but since i told sylvia, i think i should totally expect her to tell him. BUT NOOOO. I NEVER. wtf. I TOLD HER NOT TO SAY. and there she went, to tell him that im SAD. of all words, SAD! what in the world? it seems as if im desperate. fuckcheebyenabeiknn! noooooooo. fuck it. i DONT WANT your pity, LEE WEIXIONG. i dont give a fuck if you care about me or not. just go back to your precious SERAPHINA LO. 

and dear Evelyn, i dont see why youhave to be so desperate to copy people. We put eyeliner, you also put, we wear high waist skirt, you also wanna wear, we learn cycling, you also wanna go? our forfeit for not learning is to sponser ice-cream, and you also do the same? seriously, can you have some originality? noooo, you dont seem to have. 

whatever, screw life. _|_

Occurrences

Does it ever occur to you, seraphina lo, that things occur for  reason? you act as if you own him, if not for the fact that i ditched him, you think you can give me dirty looks now and act as if i am stealing your boy?

dont worry babe, im no longer interested in him, not now, not ever. its just a pity to see a friendship of 3-4(?) years go down to waste. i guess i pity you for thinking that i hate you? 

this stupid misunderstandings occur, cause you think toooo much. WAY TOO MUCH. so, screw off lah.

i forgot.

your message reminded me today. 

"i'm just your friend la."

i get it now. we'll be friends.

i give up waiting, i know the answer already.

Tomorrow is chinese O levels.

i dont know to remain calm or not? 

im keeping my composure, but whatever is gonna happen when i face the paper tomorrow? im pretty freaked out inside, but i dont know how am i ever gonna push past my limits.

i know shuyi, you will be reading this. but i still must express my doubts about you and Libing.

I know, and can see clearly that you are seriously falling for him, and since he likes you too, you guys might wanna go deeper. however, have you considered about alex, and how you guys are gonna end it? 

i told you love is not all that takes to maintain a relationship, but have you told me, alex loves you. i guess he just doesnt respect you enough as he just treats you the way he does as and when he likes and that is seriously hurting, as i see you cry so often.

i dont know how are you gonna take things from here, but i dont think you can just let go of alex like that. remember, you told me you gave him your virginity. how are you gonna let go of that? i dont believe your love for alex can just vanish like that. you guys have 7 months of memories, do you think you can just wipe them all away?

i feel that you are attracted to Libing for also another reason ; because he is able to give you the attention and love that you crave. because all these are lacking in alex, you know that libing can be someone who can give you whatever you want.

i dont know what else to say, i guess i'll just stop talking about you now.

Weixiong met up with me last night. i finally know why sera doesnt like me. she is jealous.

i cant believe it. seriously. she has weixiong all to herself already, what more does she want? i seriously dont get it, why? i mean, weixiong told me, he sees me at the bus stop in the morning and all, but he doesnt dare to call out to me as he is scared that sera will be pissed off. 

wtf? its like totally no point for her to be pissed off? he is just my ex, you have him now, what more you want? i just want him back as my friend, thats all. 

but well, since you, sera, have the say now, i guess i dont think i can be friends with weixiong, at least not now. not when he is friggin interested in you, and it seems to me that you are interested in him too ; you wont be jealous if you are not. but i just dont get the fact that he says he knows you guys cant get together.

i wonder if you are just waiting for him to pop the question. i really dont hate you, sera, but i just dont get why you shoot me dirty looks all the time. thus im now spiting you all the time, by calling you witch and all. 

but seriously, i dont hate/dislike sera. just the way she looks at me only.

Its finally happened. 

Jan and Anson, i mean. They are finally together. i dont know to be surprised or not, because they are compatible, and well, they are close. so, yea..

I feel absolutely happy for jan, its just, theres this tugging in my heart.

because i know, i'm going to be alone. again.

i dont like to be alone, a feeling that consumes me whole and makes me think too much and.. well, and i dont like to feel what im feeling.

its jealousy.

how can i be jealous of one of my closest friends? HOW?

the fact that i know, i will be left alone is not nice.

example, one day shuyi needs to go find alex, then hacken go find siying. where would i go? ramdan is not here nomore, and there will be only be anson and jan left. i cant possibly be a lightbulb. 

daryl hasnt talked to me for a day now. i know a day seems short, but its more than 24 hours. 

im going insane, and nobody will be able to save me. 

because there is nobody left. theres only one thing left for me to do.

plaster a smile on, bravely. and i'll face things alone from now on.

im falling hopelessly, and you walked away.

Insanity.

I dont know. im losing my temper easier that i expected. i just cannot control it. is my life just filled with study, and necessities only?

I lost it at shuyi yesterday. i just blew up, yelled and scolded, ignored her tears and explanations. i have no control, i just kept ranting. i knew, i was in no position to interfere, thought i see the facts of her relationship black and white. i know that i've hurt her, and thrown her into a dilemma because its hard to choose between love and friendship. though love had hurt her, she simply cannot let go. 

i dont understand. is it because she cannot let go due to the fact that alex is hot or if she had simply given her virginity away with both hands. Jan said this too, and this just leaves me to ponder whatever to do. i cannot help her anymore; my life is in the ruins too.

i've lost divya, christine. now im losing ramdan. i dont wanna lose shuyi as a friend too. but what can i do? we are both screwing up.

the fact that i have failed 5 subjects have made me discouraged. the o's seem to be a war that i cant fight, because i have failed to even qualify for a position in fighting. im just trying hard to be holding on, because i know that i cant let go, not give up. at least not for now.

Ramdan's serious talk with me let me know, that if i die, my parents would go along with me. i dont wanna disappoint, but i dont want them to die with me. they have spent all their lives working hard, fighting in this modern society that has made it harder to raise children. because, the children get demanding, materialistic, peer pressured. 

in the midst of all the pride and ego, whatever happened to living life the way i want it to be?

i just, switched off.

threw my temper at my mum just now, firstly because she didnt get me what i want, but then, when she told me that my brother is following in my footsteps, i realised. i was also mad at her because she simply walked out of the shop which had things that aroused my interest. because, she was simply uninterested with the things that couldnt catch her attention.

the fact that she simply walked out, without even a simple "hey, im going to see something else", showed me that she and i, have different views, opinions, and she just simply cannot be bothered to stand by me and see what i like, and am interested in.

perhaps, in a few years, i might look back and think of all these as childish acts, but i think im just upset about how my mum cannot just shop with me like other parents. at least show some interest in what i think is nice. at least try.

please, dont let me fall.

what the fuck?

everything is screwing up. my friends, my exams, my life.

what can i do tell me? you cant expect me to always stand there and be there for you whenever you weep and cry over your boy. he obviously treats you like shit and you try to be oblivious to it. cant you wake up and be cynical?

this is the crucial year. there is no turning back of time. once its gone, thats it. and you dont give a fuckshit about your life, then why should i? i feel that i have done enough for you as a friend. 

I dont like this. 

Well, who does actually. Failing subjects and knowing that the chinese O's are just months away. future seems pretty bleak.

never thought i would fail english. not now. 

i guess, that was the greatest worry. i must never fail english! i couldn't! and yet, i FAILED!

to make things worse, Jan and Shuyi both passed.

I felt pressured at that time. I didnt know what to say. 

i turned to look at ramdan. he will never be there for me again.

Literature was a pass, thank god. however, i didnt do well, screwing up in paper 1, especially in impression of scout. Tell me, what more, since my best friend who i look up to for lit ignores me now? no, he doesnt ignore me. He's pissed at me.

How can he care seriously for me as a bestie if he doesnt bother to share his troubles, and insists that i would not understand. How can i understand if he doesn't explain?

went out with Daryl today. Was not really looking forward to it at first, as i was feeling light head-ed from all the results. 

in the end, went out with him. i was late, felt so sorry. maybe it wasnt meant to be. 

was supposed to accompany him to study, distracted him instead. :(

Then, walked home, he came home with me, watched lame vids and took photos. 

why the fuck do i like spending time with him! CANNOT! i told myself already. cannot fall for you. cannot. i dont want the friendship to be over. 

Its like, history repeating itself with more obstacles for me to cross.

Is there a way to ever turn time into something that stops when i'm happy?

am i a nuisance?

yesterday, i was planning to ask all my 1e2 friends out to celebrate my belated birthday. but, they all went to Buva's birthday thing. am i that insignificant?

At least Daryl found out that it was my birthday the day before, thus he agreed to go eat sakae with me. (:

i asked daryl, if i was his friend. i wonder what i am? 

today, jephthah had planned an outing. he asked people out, and i realised, after so long, i am no longer being invited to any of these outings anymore? 

what happened to my friends? are they all moving on?

Anson and Ramdan are still having cold war, and i dont understand ramdan. not anymore. he is in some difficulty, he cant forgive anson. he feels hurt by anson, but i know anson was just joking! he doesnt give a fuck about what anson intended! anson didnt intend to hurt ramdan. HE DIDNT.

what is going on? im screwing up my life, i have lost interest in studying, and my friends are leaving me. 

and seriously, i've gotta stop being close to daryl. i dont wanna fall insanely. 

he told me, i can message him every minute, and he enjoys messaging me. 

holy shit, this is not happening.

Life?

It obviously has its ups, and downs. 

 well, i've just turned sixteen. Not very mature yet, still drowning in homework. 

Watching You're my destiny Drama, really romantic. I know those are all just fairytales, but i really wanna live in one too you know. 

I dont know how to just, BE FRIENDS. because, i know i really want someone to love me. 

But, Ramdan told me, not be think about that, cause once love comes into the picture, the friendship will be gone. 

i understand.

its just that, im always seeking, always not satisfied.Why?

life is just not that fair is it. I just sometimes, just sometimes, feel inferior and i really wanna hug from someone. someone who cares. 

I know all my friends care, but do they ever once consider, that i feel pressured insanely by them?

I dont know, because i presume they dont. i dont understand, why inbetween us we must have so much difference, and bitchings. I know i bitch, but its something that is really wrong. and its not like we've never let you know.

recently kinda close to daryl. its Daryl Lauw. not Daryl Goh. I have completely forgotten him already.

Yongkiong asks me, if i have fallen for Daryl. I dont want to, i dont hope to, and i pray hard i better wont. I just really hope, that for once, i can be a friend. A friend.

I just want a good friend who will stand by me. I dont wanna fall into anything, not yet.

Even though he is a really nice guy, or whatsoever. I mustn't like him, and he should never get a wrong signal from me.

omgomg LIYING, WAKE UP. better stay a distance from him now. 

History must not repeat itself.

Ranting.

this is some stupid rant. its like, self absorption all over again.

i dont know why im trying so hard not to be judgmental, but the more i try not to be, the more i see my friends are. i dont know, but know i know how bitchy its like, how bitchy its like for people to look at me gossiping. its kind of inevitable to gossip, but i think sometimes, when someone just happens to do something or act in some way, its just, something they do without thinking you know. 

but probably, its hard to not stop. its just funny, isnt it. laughing at someone that was talking funny, having funn expressions and all? i know its funny, i laugh at people too. but i start to feel that its getting mean sometimes. 

i dont know why, i find myself totally unable to focus and study. its like, fucking stupid of me. why am i so easily distracted? WHY. i know, just like Anson said, we cant blame people when we get distracted. but still, i dont need to hang with people that distract me, i need people who can help me focus on the right track. 

cherish today, as tmr might not come.