I CANT KEEP ALL THESE TO MYSELF!

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. I know you guys cannot help but to be intimate cause you're a couple. But have you guys ever considered my feelings? You guys have seemed to have forgotten that I've just gotten a breakup, and if you guys are really my friends, you would know that i have not gotten over andrew. I have not. But do any of you guys have a long enough attention span to put on me? Its like you guys are all living in your own worlds, and its always about boyfriends here and there. We are best friends, whatever happened to that? My house is used as an excuse when you want to meet him. You think i cant see your blatant excuse when you tell me its the nearest? Yea, sure. My place is the nearest place for you guys to meet. THERE IS SUCH A PLACE CALLED BUGIS. god. I dont even know why am i flaring up now. Im just so sick and tired, of being there when you guys have nobody. Whenever there are programs, you can just fly home, in a CAB just because you were late meeting him. ITS BLOODY JURONG. its freaking inevitable that you'll be late. I sense your sympathy for me when i just broke up and all. But wherever did it go? Have you guys simply believe my cheerful face and full of laughter and think i'm seriously fine? This is the FIRST time i've ever kissed a guy after having close to a dozen ex boyfriends. Does any of that mean anything to you? All you guys can tell me is to get over him and live, saying that he is not a good person. YES I KNOW. yada yada, sure i join into the complains. But have you guys ever thought of me? THAT SOMETIMES IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU GUYS ARE JUST SITTING THERE SCOLDING MY EX-BOYFRIEND WHICH I HAVE APPARENTLY NOT GOTTEN OVER?

no. you guys know nothing. I cant tell you this straight. I know i cant. It will just mark a fullstop in our friendship. Cant you see i'm already trying to exclude myself from outings? Because i know boyfriends will always come along. Whatever happened to me?

I have to keep all this shit inside, because i dont know who i can tell to, and who that will not give me the same remarks or their own personal opinion. because I have enough, and i mean ENOUGH of personal opinions. ITS MY LIFE. I KNOW ITS SCREWED. STOP PUSHING OTHER GUYS INTO MY LIFE.

I cannot help, but to throw myself into despair and let my self esteem and confidence fall till its beyond sight. But sometimes, i just wonder if i'm ever good enough? To be brought out. To be shown of proudly to the world that i'm yours. It must have been a real shame, huh. To see your friends and you have to be with me at that time. I've always given you the privacy. I dont listen in. I put on my ipod and pretend i barely know you. I dont know what i've done wrong! i know alson told me not to think of all these and to treasure the memories instead. BUT I WANT MORE. there was so little memories. Yet i hold onto them so much. Because i really believed that if i tried to make it happen, it can work. The relationship can work.

you were the only person that made everything feel right. though you had not much time for me. I believe that there is another side to you, another side apart from the stupid ah-beng front you put up. Or, you've just simply told me the truth and you played with me. But if you do, why do you still show concern whenever i drink? I dont need sympathy, and i'm not doing anything to arouse your guilt, no. You wanna know why i drink? Because i want your attention. I want your care. and now i know i can get it, why not get drunk again? You just wait. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU FACE TO FACE. There are questions that i want to know that you simply refused to answer.

And whats worse. my friend of four years starts to have a crush on me. I mean, COMEON. I have known you for four years! like, why would you suddenly like me? I have not turned suddenly pretty overnight. No i didnt. Instead i grew fatter, like omg. I dont want to spoil the friendship, i really dont. You are a really cool person and i wanna continuing singing with you without feeling awkward.

Mum cant find time to fit me into her life. And I apparently cant find time to fit her into my life too.

Dad is freaking out cause i'm losing my temper often. Which is due to all the shit i'm thinking of and bothering me.

O levels is in 50+ days. I'm not studying. Im screwing up my life because i want someone to come and pick me up. From all this mess. and me.

can someone save me from me?