Insanity.

I dont know. im losing my temper easier that i expected. i just cannot control it. is my life just filled with study, and necessities only?

I lost it at shuyi yesterday. i just blew up, yelled and scolded, ignored her tears and explanations. i have no control, i just kept ranting. i knew, i was in no position to interfere, thought i see the facts of her relationship black and white. i know that i've hurt her, and thrown her into a dilemma because its hard to choose between love and friendship. though love had hurt her, she simply cannot let go. 

i dont understand. is it because she cannot let go due to the fact that alex is hot or if she had simply given her virginity away with both hands. Jan said this too, and this just leaves me to ponder whatever to do. i cannot help her anymore; my life is in the ruins too.

i've lost divya, christine. now im losing ramdan. i dont wanna lose shuyi as a friend too. but what can i do? we are both screwing up.

the fact that i have failed 5 subjects have made me discouraged. the o's seem to be a war that i cant fight, because i have failed to even qualify for a position in fighting. im just trying hard to be holding on, because i know that i cant let go, not give up. at least not for now.

Ramdan's serious talk with me let me know, that if i die, my parents would go along with me. i dont wanna disappoint, but i dont want them to die with me. they have spent all their lives working hard, fighting in this modern society that has made it harder to raise children. because, the children get demanding, materialistic, peer pressured. 

in the midst of all the pride and ego, whatever happened to living life the way i want it to be?

i just, switched off.

threw my temper at my mum just now, firstly because she didnt get me what i want, but then, when she told me that my brother is following in my footsteps, i realised. i was also mad at her because she simply walked out of the shop which had things that aroused my interest. because, she was simply uninterested with the things that couldnt catch her attention.

the fact that she simply walked out, without even a simple "hey, im going to see something else", showed me that she and i, have different views, opinions, and she just simply cannot be bothered to stand by me and see what i like, and am interested in.

perhaps, in a few years, i might look back and think of all these as childish acts, but i think im just upset about how my mum cannot just shop with me like other parents. at least show some interest in what i think is nice. at least try.

please, dont let me fall.